its been so many months since i broke up with her. and other ppl had appeared in my life, but there is no one that seems right or i feel right about. now end up hurting other ppl liao. sian man. my fren asked me if i really loved someone or just want someone. i think i have e answer now. because when really loved someone, this someone will be irreplaceable in the heart. and she was irreplaceable til now. feeling very frustrated now cos i know she's e one for me, but i dunno what or how she will feel again. i hurted her badly the other time, no matter what still will leave a scar. i also want to forget what happened, want to love and protect her again and swear to god this time round i will make it right. but right now really frustrated, cos i dunno how to talk to her. i dunno how not to make her sian dunno how to make her happy. but if i got the chance, i will get my courage to announce to the whole world that i only haf her in mind. and i meant a physical action to be done. but all things gotta wait. time. can only write here to her that i love her. and seriously regretted alot for hurting her and wish to hold her in my arms again.

that day afternoon had a nap cos was tired..had a little dream but was very sweet..i dreamt i was with her again..very sweet but short..but if real life its this way then good..rotted at home again after going out for a few days..kinda sian..results coming..pray hard ba..

am i regretting the decision? i think i might be..

super sick now..sometimes very hot sometimes very cold..make me very hard to fall asleep also again..dunno why sick will think of her more..i dunno how to start a conversation..something i realised..dunno afraid of wad also..haix..i shld just slp alot alot so that i wont think that much.

shld i see doc tmr?

so i've been hiding my feelings all along?

my temper, my stubborness would have stop me from seeing her again. but why did i bother to find her again? i finally realised. thinking that i forgot her, but in fact i nvr. seeing her get hurt, i was already quite sian liao..panicking when i realise i lost her frens number..couldnt get anyone to go check on her immediately..facebook also quite useless..i had to appear by her side to make sure its ok.

meeting her just make me feel like protecting her again..sick of looking from a far to make sure she is ok.i just wan to be with her to protect her.if not for that stupid mistake no one would haf got hurt nth would had happened if i nvr let her go.

i was there because i cared alot for u, no matter what, i just wan u to be happy.maybe without me, u were happy, but i just dun wan see u get hurt. i know what i wan, its u. i just wan to be ard u, just wan to appreciate ur smile again.

but i know maybe it still quite difficult for u now, but i already knew what i wan. but shall not force shall not hope too much. because i'm afraid too sometimes. but then again no matter what i still wan to see u happy. and care for u.

time to build up my karma level.

actually i know what i want for my future.

this current job that i have doesnt go well with my personality, i'm not one who go pestering ard, and i still prefer to teach what i know. so obviously sales is not what's for me in the future. maybe as a lecturer that will be my calling.. and thats provided i further my studies til at least a masters.

i want to start afresh again. although i spend a large part of this one and a half year with someone special,but this someone special had left me.felt moments of having lost everything, so i just want to start afresh,rebuilding all i got..i'm particularly sorry for the scar i gave her..i did loved her alot but i messed up alot too..i know some scar wont heal so easily..just like my hand now,a crack that wont go away.

now, i'm closing the door of this special one, but just that once in awhile there's lingering thoughts. and i cant do anything liao. 23dec maybe i wont be there liao. cos i dunno if that is the right thing to do anymore.

i'm opening a door, but i'm holding the door back because i'm not really sure if thats the right one..but i felt fine and happy. but i guess i still need to wait for the right moment. close to right person, wrong timing..

well suddenly moody again..but thats how life la..always work like a sine curve no matter what.

and the story abt plucking the moon.

i wont pluck earth moon, cos this will cause tide to rise and flood the whole world. i will pluck jupiter moon, i plucked metis. jupiter got 57 moons so jupiter lose 1 he also dunno. this is what happen when u are too clever. u cant be romantic. -_-"

i'm feeling confused liao..am i falling for another person liao..really dunno leh..although quite contented now with things being this way but am i really closing a door and opening up another door?later same thing again how?so confusing..but at least had fun when this person is ard..

met up with her yesterday..passed her her stuff..quite weird..still feel like loving her and protecting her once more..but its not whether i want, is if she still think there is still a little chance again..movie and dinner only..nth much..after that bought tau huay and went over to find someone i feel comfortable to talk..den reach home 12 plus tired liao..but still game til 3 plus..bored man..

going get all B? good enough? haix..disappointing so far..

feeling so distracted and unmotivated..cant wait to finish it all..

for once i need to hide away without anyone disturbing..

stupid papers so difficult so far

i'm just so pekchek now

i'm a confused person..

today is her exams liao..i prayed for her to do well..i din meant wad i said the last time so really, let her do well..she did studied for them alot..

i also gotta study liao..although quite distracted for awhile already..my exams coming and i not even in the mood to study for them..haix..

these 2 weeks not well, think gastric back again cos irregular meals again..actually more of no appetite la..and mood also not very good either but its ok..sch is just a mundane period now..damn sick of it liao but there still finals to take..til end of month

what i want in life..

spent some time thinking of what i want in life

short term goals:
1) graduate from CBC with a second class honours at least
2) get my driver licenses
3) earn some money
4) find love (on hold for now)

long term goals:
i got to decide between working in a financial industry and pursuing something that gave me greater satisfaction, which is teaching. so now after reorganising my thoughts these are what i want
1) get a masters degree and go on to be a lecturer specialising in organic chemistry
2) get a car, and be financially independent
3) find my happiness
4) give my family a better life

actually i like to teach what i know to others, so rather than be a mainstream teacher, i think getting a master degree will be better for me to get a higher teaching post and make use of what i learnt more efficiently.

last note..i'm tired liao..but i wont be like last time and make u suffocate by forcing an answer out of you..whatever makes u happy just go with it ba..i will be ok..u always have a place in my heart..

i miss her..

but i gotta study for now..

argh

e person i felt the most apologetic to is her..as her bf that time, i thought i was good.. but my temper wasnt good, and resulted in violent actions and shouting at her saying all those senseless things..i guess sometimes the things i do really cost me alot..and it cost me her..but now no matter how much i still think of e past, no matter part of me still wish she was still with me, no matter a part of me still love her, but its kind of hard already..i'm like gonna be out of her life,but i at some point dun wish to cos i still wan to turn back time to be with her..suddenly i thought of all e promises made to her, and i thought i'm like nvr made up to her properly like e dan bing that i said i will figure out hw to do when coming back from taiwan..these little promises and little things in life let me thought how bad i was as a person at that time..but now say all these also useless..i some sort became like her also..dunno wad i wan now too..dunno wad to do with myself..i just wish i can play god and turn back time and erase that day from her mind and my mind too..i'm sorry to you..

now i really need that belly laugh.. =(

i realised i got no guts to like someone anymore..very tired lor..very sianed to see her on the train that day..felt like whole person gonna break down la..my first relationship ended bitterly..but its all e past..if i can move on, i will be happier..

maybe i shldnt do so much for anyone anymore..

fan nao-s

aiya dunno wad i wan also man..sch also not exactly smooth la..just wan a second class honours only but disappointing results so far lor..ever since break up things haven been smooth yet lor..realised my heart turned cold liao..e natural smile wasnt there anymore..although still will laugh all that at some jokes but end of the day u just know i wasnt the same anymore..if i cant smile naturally from e heart means i'm really that down..but i wan to be on the up..i wan to be able to compete with everyone in sch..i know i'm a slow starter, lack of natural talent but i made it up for hardworking but it had not paid off yet..uni pace really too fast and so much happened so far i just couldnt concentrate alot..today bio class i was listening well and understood the whole thing..but towards e end 5 mins my mind was on e past again and i jus din listen to lec again..sianed man..i also wan to move on..but so complicated stuff are now..i dun even know wad i wan liao..just like sch..today just dunno why i am in sch for..why am i in this course..when i could have taken business la..sian man..someone make me smile pls..let me find my natural smile back..

pekchek again..when theres no one ard, u just like to think of the past..the present gets affected..and i'm damn pekchek over it liao..i just wanna study and haf as much fun as i can..but have to see how..sometimes things wont go away..

F1 is cool..i liked it..and like the time i spend out on fri night with py..i swear with her ard i gonna not stop laughing..

wow..today meant to be a study session ..but guess just din have the mood in the morning..not the study prime time..sian man..so like kind of wasted the time out but i liked today..
met py for study de..but seriously no mood man..wa hols also like mug like mad..how can..i must at least enjoy abit..so ya did abit of stuff den go slack ard le..ate at crystal jade..yummy..lols..her bday present from me..den went home hibernate now going to mug le..

i must make up my mind..harden my heart and not keep going back to the same stuff..really man..i shall let her go and let myself go too..no point keep holding on to her when she wont care abt u anymore..why not divert ur energy to other places that can help u be happier..tmr i shall do it..but today i just pray for her to study hard and enjoy her life..like how i found part of me when i had fun with my gang..10 % of wad i was b4 when i knew wads love..

i feel lonely..and there's alot of things that remind me of the times with her..wonderful but nvr gonna happen again..i myself will not want to get e r/s back..as i realised i've not really been treated very well..happy with her company but really happy deep down? i not really sure..i cant deny every nw and then will miss her..but its time to let go..my mid terms so far..not very encouraging..and with more tests coming up..i can only keep working hard..

its really complicated now lor my life..at first i thought this person wil be my source of laughter in sch..but i nvr knw she faced e same problem as me..we just cant forget e past we had..seeing this person just like me..i felt like treating her better and protecting her to some extent..but really doing this may seems funny to others..and myself..r/s is 2 way..and i want my next one to be a good one..i had my first one..unforgettable..not regretable..but its a lost la..nv will forget the good times..and nv will forget when i need support she wasnt there..i also need support in my life..but she chose not to stand by me except my parents and michelle..my good female buddy..i hope my life can better from nw on..

whats up so far

well broke up for close to 3 weeks..not a word of concern at all..so think i just can let her go ba..no point making myself miserable..just look forward in sch lor..no choice ma..there will be other things to focus on too..esp my studies..althought i broke up at the wrong time, it wasnt my choice..just felt badly treated and i din deserve such break up at a time when my studies is going to be tough and all..well..i just stand up by myself and with the help of my family and a couple of good frens like michelle..now i will be stronger and at least now i know what i look in love and a person..still will get distracted here and there but i will focus on studies and career..hoping to close some cases soon la and get things started at least..i will be fine..uni stuff is definately getting a few notches higher than jc..i shall utilize my upcoming term break well and find ppl to study with me if nt i stay home will get distracted..i haven movied or shopped for a long time..need some company some day..if nt i gonna go crazy..sch definately stress.
i think my health is nt very good now..today fainted..cos i was lying down to mug den i stood up den heart very pain den i fainted liao..took some time to wake up..faster go drink water after that le..scary la..haix..when things dun go ur way u are down on ur luck..anything can happen..

i'm going to buy a bible and keep it by my side and use it as my spiritual support.

god bless me den..

the heart shatters like how e bones do.

well well well..my title tells everything..
the heart shatters like how e bones do.
well i think i just cracked my 4th and 5th knuckles and my wrist with the terrible anger in me today..of because of her insensitivity..when ur dear cracked his hand out of anger, u are just there to look and give sacarstic remarks.
well it looks like i'm nth to u.

the heart shatters like how the bones do now.

last lap of studying, the stress is there definately

well passed HI and M9, leaving e last paper M5 to tackle.
i think this one is mostly self-study as e trainers they had were quite useless. they breeze thru the whole book and talk more abt their life stories den what to concentrate on.
its a badly written book actually and yes i left 12 pages of it to do i think. crap why am i torturing myself this way.

yes its for a better financial future hopefully and earn for my needs. and for her thats why i came to join this line. to make her happy with things she like but cant buy.

as promised a new blog before uni starts

i've opened up this new blog again. for me i know eventually i still need somewhere to vent my sadness, my anger. and maybe share my happiness if there is any.

right uni starting quite soon in august, i'm not really prepared yet, hopefully i can make it there.

now dabbling with insurance line, studying for the test is not a fun thing. m9, 26 chapters study til mad. and hope to pass no matter what.

me, i really need to change my temper and my volatility. i'm just a living volcano in a human body. tend to go on violent eruptions once in awhile, except its more frequent and it almost cost me to lose someone i love very much.

and yea, although things are ok now, but something is amiss yet again. and i know i need to rebuild e love once more. so feel kinda sad.

well hope for e best for me. and i might keep this blog a private one, might give assess if can to ppl i trust.